Dee and Deron, Together Again

Folks, I have a new second-favorite basketball team (sorry, Timberwolves, it was fun while it lasted). The Utah Jazz have shot up on the coolometer the past couple of years, culminating in the selection of Dee Brown in Wednesday's draft. Dee joins fellow Illini Deron Williams to create the best college basketball team in the NBA.

Dee and Deron will attempt to recreate their 2004-2005 magic, when they led Illinois to a number one ranking, made the NCAA finals and had Dee named National Player of the Year by the Sporting News. They'll be recreating the Illini dynasty out in the land of Mormons, white people, and--uh--Jazz, I guess. Unfortunately, they'll be doing it despite probably never being on the floor at the same time.

You see, for three years Deron played point guard and Dee was a shooting guard at Illinois. But when Deron entered the draft after their Final Four run, Dee knew he had to prove he could run an offense if he wanted to get drafted to the pros. So, after being pushed out of his natural position for three years by Deron Williams, Dee devoted himself rigorously to passing, moving the ball, and demonstrating that he could play the point in the NBA--where he will be promptly be pushed out of position again by Deron Williams.

Except this time, Dee won't be able to play shooting guard. He's just too small to guard the Kobe Bryants of the NBA, and he certainly won't be able to shoot over them. No, he's going to have to spell Deron off the bench if he wants to make the team. But I think he has a lot of potential as a sparkplug off the bench, the sort of guy that is loved by the crowd, who all want him to start because they don't realize that he isn't really that good. He'll come in for 5 minutes at a time, run like crazy, make two steals and an open three, then go sit down again before somebody realizes "Hey, this dude is only 5'9"--we could step on him." He'll be like Anderson Varejao, except 18 inches shorter. Guys will be pimpin' his headband, his throwback Illini jersey will be all the rage, and the ladies will wave "Marry me, Dee!" signs.

Yes, even in Utah.

Because the ladies have always loved Dee. Since he's just been drafted, is looking to make the Jazz, and is still beloved in Champaign, his notoriety will probably never be higher than right now--making this the perfect time to tell my favorite Dee Brown story, about one of the greatest pickup lines ever.

A couple of years ago, a friend of mine (I would say former friend, since I haven't talked to her in 18 months, but Facebook says we still like each other) lived in the same apartment complex as Dee. They ran into each other on occasion, hung out a few times, and I think he even had her cell phone number. She says he was a great guy, very friendly and fun to be around. She couldn't speak highly enough of him.

So it came as a great surprise to her late one night when a very drunk, very naked Dee Brown walked through her front door and right into her kitchen. She stared at him, wide-eyed, and he shrugged his shoulders.

"What?" he asked. "You know you want it."

She informed him (and I'll never know why) that no, she didn't want it, and he turned and left amiably enough. She said he seemed genuinely surprised. But this was during the Illini's magical Final Four season, when Dee was probably the biggest celebrity in the state (sorry, George Ryan, racketeering only gets you so far), so I'm certain he found somebody else that night that did "want it." I have no idea how many girls that line got him that year, but it was probably more than I spoke to.

So now Dee takes his smooth moves to Salt Lake City, where Deron won't be his only incredibly cool teammate. Joining them is Andrei Kililenko, whose wife lets him sleep with one groupie a year. Can you imagine the team going out on the town? Dee walking around naked telling girls they want it, Andrei debating whether this particular chick is worth using his freebie on, and Deron sitting with his incredibly hot girlfriend and wondering why Dee is more popular than him.

In short, these guys are way cooler than Stockton and Malone.