Brasil they ain't

ESPN's new ploy for attracting female
viewers--shirts versus skins

The U.S. team debuts at the World Cup tomorrow, at noon EST. That's 11:00 here in Minnesota, so how am I supposed to watch the match? I've been contemplating a two-hour lunch break, and given how little attention anyone pays to me, I could probably make it work.

Still, FIFA needs to show a little more consideration for the soccer-loving American hordes. Seriously, guys. Get on the ball.

This game is especially important because it's almost a must win, not just for this World Cup, but for U.S. soccer in general. I'm nervous about all these ESPN ads proclaiming that the U.S. has their best team ever, that we could shock the world, that Landon Donovan is predicting a championship. They're milking it all they can to get a big audience for this World Cup--they've even got lousy American announcers that don't know what they're talking about, just to appeal to the general public. It's really kind of embarassing.

But the reason I'm worried is that there's real no reason to expect us to even advance out of group play. We've got the Czechs (ranked ahead of us), Italy (should be ranked ahead of us), and Ghana (no slouch). If we lose to the Czechs tomorrow (not unlikely), then we'll probably lose to Italy and bam, we're essentially out of the tournament after two games. National embarassment, all interest in soccer in the U.S. killed--after two games. In fact, given that the U.S. has trouble scoring goals, it's not inconceivable that we could go 0-2-1 in this tournament and rival the patheticness of '94.

So c'mon, ESPN. Don't risk the sporting interest of an entire nation by ridiculously publicizing this team before the matches even start. If the country expects to win, they'll be disappointed if we don't. I mean, don't get me wrong--I like the team a lot, and think there's a decent chance we could shock some people--but wait until we beat somebody to start throwing those championship dreams out there. You're going to get the soccer die-hards (like me) no matter what, and if we start winning the masses will follow. Remember the Women's World Cup in 2000?

Instead of chasing the flag-waving Nascar croud, appeal to the fans you have. Put on the English and Irish announcers that know how the offside rule works. Get Brent Musberger back to the NHL, or wherever he normally hangs out--you could probably pick a random English hooligan out of a pub, facepaint and all, and he would do a better job announcing the games than ol' Brent. Stop trying to bring soccer to the masses, because the masses aren't interested. If the U.S. is as good as you claim it is, the viewers will come on their own.

Oh, and yeah--go U.S.A.